By Jeff Lindsey

No showgirl

Posted August 15, 2008

My daughter doesn't like to show off ... for just anyone.

When only momma and daddy are around she is a chatterbox, a singing starlet, and a dancing queen. She can count to 10, sing the ABC song, jump (about 3/4 of an inch), and say the names of all of her friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. She's a genius! Well, maybe that's going too far, but I'm building up to a contrast here.

BUT, when anyone except an exclusive few people are around, she ducks her head and will not show off. No ABC's, no counting, no singing, no dancing. You might get her to say "thank you" and wave hello.

I knew this was coming. She started early saying "bye" (over and over again) to everyone that walked away from us. And she'd say hello to anyone that walked by at the grocery or hardware store. (By the way, the older women at the grocery story were much more receptive to these greetings than the busy serious contractor types at the hardware store.) However, when someone stopped, looked her in the face and said "hello", her eyes dropped, her mouth shut and politeness would cease. She didn't really as much deer-in-headlights look as an instant shyness.

That's when parental coaxing would begin.

"Baby, say hello" follow by a little wave. "Baby, say thank you" followed by a whispered, whiny "tank u". "Can you say your ABCs?" followed by a shake of the head. Our genius has become instantly mute.

It's not just with people, by the way. The camera or video camera have a similar effect, which makes proving her linguistic agility much more difficult.

So here's my conundrum: At what point is her refusal to say "hello" when instructed to says hello or say "Thank you" when told to do so not just shy or rude, but disobedient.

Disobedience puts this whole matter in a different context than shyness.

Shy is supposed to be acceptable by many of my friends, relatives, etc. I'm sure they wish my daughter had not disrespected them by refusing to speak, but they say "It's okay"

I have a funny feeling in my gut when I don't deal with the disobedience though.

My job is to not ask her to do things that are inappropriate, demeaning, or beyond her ability, especially in front of people. Her job is to do what Daddy says without question, hesitation, or regret. If I'm holding up my end of the bargain, she should be taught to hold up hers.

First question: Is asking her to say her ABCs or count "inappropriate or demeaning"?

Second question: Is her refusal to do what Daddy says when told to speak the same as refusing to do what daddy says when told to stop walking into the street?

I know that we cannot continue letting her say "no". That just isn't a good precedent. I just may have to be careful about when I challenge her and when she'll challenge me in the future.

Jeff Lindsey is a news editor at ArkansasOnline and a new dad

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